It’s not possible to avoid pain in life completely. However, the way that we think about our pain can make a big difference in how we experience suffering.
pain versus suffering
There is a Buddhist saying that goes, “Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.” This is not to minimize pain, whether it’s emotional or physical pain, but to say that there are ways to mitigate the way we experience pain in life.
There is no way to live a life that avoids pain — whether it’s stubbing your toe or losing someone you love, there’s no way to grow up without some amount of loss of attachment, or feelings of insecurity, or experiencing some amount of being snubbed by someone you love, or some amount of feeling of failure or disappointment. This pain is inevitable.
We define suffering as the thoughts we have about our pain. These are thoughts of, “Why me? Why now? Why this?” “What could I have done differently?” “Why did this have to happen?” These are suffering thoughts.
There is an analogy we can use to help demonstrate this distinction:
If you’re walking down the street and trip and fall and skin your knee, that’s painful. There are cuts, and it’s bleeding, and it’s real pain.
If someone offers you a lollipop, and points out there is a parade going on and there’s an amazing float right there, and it’s a beautiful sunny day — your knee is still skinned. You still experience pain, but you attention and focus isn’t on it as much.
In the same scenario, you can skin your knee and think to yourself, “I’m so stupid! Why am I so clumsy?” “I can’t believe I did that, did everyone see?” “I ruined this favorite pair of pants and I’ll never be able to get another pair of pants that fits like this,” “I won’t be able to keep going, and I’m missing the whole parade, and it’s so far back to my car.” These kinds of thoughts create additional suffering around the pain of a skinned knee.
The skinned knee is the same between both scenarios. However, your thoughts, focus, and attention can create additional suffering for the situation.
This is what we mean by, “pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.”
Managing ‘suffering’ thoughts
It is difficult to control or avoid these kinds of ‘suffering’ thoughts entirely. Still, it is important to take notice of your thoughts and ask yourself if your thoughts are helpful to you in your situation.
Fighting with your brain and demanding that you stop thinking about it may not be very helpful or effective. Instead, it is better to distract and change your attention and to do things — not necessarily to avoid the pain, but to refocus your attention and change your perspective.
If you notice yourself thinking, “I’m so clumsy, I’m so stupid, what’s wrong with me?” it can be helpful to take a moment and think instead, “Well, this really sucks. You know, a lot of people fall. Everyone’s clumsy now and then. I’m so glad this was only once today.” Change your perspective from one of guilt and blame to one of humanity that generalizes yourself with other people.
“Well, everyone makes mistakes now and then.” “Well, stuff happens.” Like any muscle, this is a skill that can be strengthened by taking notice of what’s happening, and then practicing.
About Us
Wells Medicine is a Houston-based practice designed to provide meaningful care for mental health. Providing targeted interventional treatments for Depression, Anxiety, OCD, PTSD and other conditions, with Ketamine Treatments, Stellate Ganglion Blocks, TMS, and Nitrous-Oxide Treatments. Focused on comprehensive care and integration with Psychiatry, Psychology, and Support Services. We are evidence-based, patient-focused and mission-driven.
The content here is for informational purposes and should not be relied upon for medical decisions. For the details of your specific medical conditions and treatments consult your doctors or other qualified healthcare professionals.
